Don’t worry, I’m not going to go into a diatribe about Existentialism here. I will say that for me though, Existentialism starts with an awareness of mortality. It’s not a topic we really discuss as a society and I think that’s too bad. We are all mortal. We will all die some day. Most people think of that as a downer, but I think of it as a challenge. When I was a kid, the army used to air commercials that would ask “if someone wrote a book about your life, would anyone want to read it?” I never joined the army, but I took that question seriously.
I think about death every day. Most people would be upset to hear that, but those of us with a chronic disease are forced to consider it regularly. As our bodies fail, we feel our mortality, almost as though it’s a presence. We don’t get to decide whether or not we’ll think about death. However, our real choice lies in what we do with that awareness. The inevitability of death and suffering has led me to do the things I’m most proud of in my life. It’s forced me to make the most of my time and my health while I have them.
The societal taboo is far reaching though. Like a lot of Crohnies, I’m in counseling. When most counselors ask if you think about death or suicide, what they are really asking is do you plan to kill yourself. This is necessary, but it’s a shame that the conversation usually stops there. The better question would be if you were to die now, how would you feel about your life? With the amount of pain and suffering that Crohnies endure, we’d be idiots if we didn’t think about suicide. It’s an escape that feels like relief. However, I think awareness of that as an option is actually a positive thing. Of course I could kill myself and end my pain, but every day I’m choosing not to. Every day, I am choosing to endure. Every day, I am choosing to be alive. That choice gives me comfort. It means that I want my life. Isn’t that a better answer than no?