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Sheets – All Sorts

I’ve spent a lot of time on the internet looking for queen-sized Star Wars sheets, but I’ve never found any. It really bothers me. It’s not fair. I don’t know why, but when you grow up, they take away all of the fun stuff.

My wife and I were discussing the idea of comfort clothes the other day. Most of us have some article of clothing that for some reason makes us feel safer and more confident when we’re wearing it. Hoot Deconstructed is a judgement-free zone, so I’ll confess that I have three t-shirts that I wear when I’m feeling like I need a boost. In no particular order, they are of Sartre, Sisyphus, and E.T. Try to make fun of me if you want, but I’m Superman when I’m wearing one of those bad boys.

Star Wars sheets would be fun. They’d make me feel better at the end of a long day. But no, I’m an adult, so I have to settle for beige, cream, or grey. Whoopty Doo. Maybe the world would be a better place if we could all just be goofballs and take ourselves less seriously a bit more often. So, if anyone out there in internetland knows where to find queen-sized Star Wars sheets, please share!

 

Catheters – The Crohn’s Saga Part 82

Um, so catheters aren’t very fun. For the unfamiliar, a catheter is when they insert a tube into your urethra to drain urine out of the bladder.

Here’s what happened. The mix of the physical trauma of surgery and all of the different medications was hindering my ability to pee. I was peeing some, but I wasn’t evacuating nearly as much fluid as I was taking in. This is common after surgery, but it can cause a lot of problems. To prevent those problems, hospitals use catheters to expel urine until the body wakes back up enough to do it on its own.

Having a catheter feels weird, but it doesn’t hurt. However, having a catheter inserted hurts like a bitch. You know how you can kind of imagine what some things might feel like? You can’t with is. It’s a mix of that wrong feeling you get when something is forcibly inserted into an out hole, but it also stings in a place where you’ve never felt feelings before. To put it nicely, it’s a very memorable experience.

What’s an NG Tube? – The Crohn’s Saga Part 83

For the uninitiated, NG tube is short for nasogastric tube. Exactly as I described, it’s a plastic tube that doctors shove down your nose, past your throat, and into your stomach. In the last installment, you saw that my doctors had to reinsert a catheter. Now, they were saying I might need this too.

As you read last time, it sometimes takes the body a while to recover enough from surgery to restore normal functions. For example, I wasn’t peeing enough, so I needed a catheter. Now I was learning that I wasn’t digesting enough, so they might need to stick a tube down my nose to vacuum up the bile in my stomach until I was able to digest properly. I asked several doctors and nurses about this and they all told me the same thing – an NG tube is incredibly uncomfortable and I should do whatever I can to avoid getting one.

I could never properly describe the feelings of stress and hopelessness of this situation. All I had to do was digest and I’d be fine. How the hell do you make yourself digest though? Every minute that passed was bringing me closer to more suffering and no matter how much I willed my body to comply, nothing was happening. I was already demoralized that they had reinserted a catheter. I’d been hurting for so long that I was pretty sure that if I had to endure this too, I would finally break.

Sudden Stoppers – The Worst Person Ever

Have you ever been on an escalator and had the person in front of you just stop at the end instead of going anywhere? Like, just stand there while the escalator propels you into them and the people behind you into you? Stinks, right? Those are the sudden stoppers. In addition to escalators, these people also frequently terrorize elevators, train doors, turnstiles, and revolving doors.

This lack of situational awareness and regard for others adds sudden stoppers to the ever-growing list of The Worst Person Ever.