Month: November 2017

Compulsions – Relationships

Compulsions are like itches waiting to be scratched. They’ll drive you crazy until they’re satisfied.

My wife and I have been living together for over four years now. Every night, she applies lotion and every single time I see it, that line from The Silence of the Lambs pops into my head. I don’t know where it comes from or why, but it always does. I try to hold it in because I know she hates it, but sometimes I succumb. It annoys her greatly, but the compulsion is there every single time and it feels sooooo good to let it out.

So yeah, I’m lucky she’s still with me.

Worst Son Ever – The Crohn’s Saga Part 88

You’ve already seen me be the worst fiancé ever and now you get to see me be the worst son ever. My dad was just trying to be helpful, but I snapped at him. I was in a bad place at that time and I couldn’t endure even the thought of having a visitor. It was taking all my mental and emotional resources to hold myself together and I just didn’t have the capacity to deal with anything else. I didn’t want to see anyone or be seen by anyone.

Back in April, I posted 12 Things to Know About Visiting a Crohnie in the Hospital. The recurring rule there is never ever visit someone in the hospital without checking in first. I cannot overemphasize the importance of that. Sometimes the reason is simple – you could be out of the room for a test, you could be in the shower, whatever. Sometimes it’s more of a morale thing though. When I’m in a bad place and I know I’m incapable of putting a good face on it, I usually just want to be alone.

During that time with the catheter and the ng tube, I even tried to keep my fiancé and a friend who had flown in from California to see me from visiting. Thankfully, they pushed and I allowed them in. It’s a hard thing to look people you love in the eye and know that they are seeing you suffering and just about ready to break. It’s hard to be so exposed in front of others. Luckily, the two of them could handle it and I could handle being that vulnerable in front of them.

I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease when I was 11. It was hard for me, but it must have been hell for my parents. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must have been for them to see their son suffering and be helpless to do anything about it. I think that helplessness never goes away and I’m grateful that they find ways to try to share the burden. I hope they know that.

One of the best things to have come out of all of this is the reassurance that I’m not alone. It’s a powerful thing to know. I’m lucky when it comes to having good people in my life and I’m grateful for all of them.

Quantum Dog – All Sorts

First off, I’m fully aware that “Quantum Dog” makes me look like a pretentious gasbag. However, I try to be accurate here at Hoot Deconstructed and that really is what I was discussing with my dog when I got that fella’s attention. We can’t control the content of our wandering minds and I just think about stuff like that sometimes, so deal with it.

“Quantum Dog” is really about those little conversations we have with our pets when no one else is around. I talk to Hurley a lot when we’re alone. She’s just good company. Sometimes she even cocks her head side-to-side in that way that terriers do when they’re trying to understand to you. That counts as engagement, right?

Anyway, sometimes I forget we’re in public when I’m walking her and I continue talking to her out loud. It’s caused some confusion before and it’s definitely made me look like an idiot or a nutjob. At least I’ve seen other dog owners do the same thing, so I know it’s not just me.

Oh, and to you non-pet owners – yes, us pet talkers are aware of how silly we’re being, but no, we’ll never stop. Even if our pets don’t understand the content of what we’re saying, it’s still a bonding thing.

The Nice Guy Vents – The Crohn’s Saga Part 89

Sometimes when you’re feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, you vent. I guess this was my time. I’m not proud of this, but it happened, so I have to include it as part of the story.

My surgery team wasn’t stupid. They knew I was in bad shape when they came into my room. They did say hello and ask how I was doing, but they certainly weren’t being chipper or oblivious. Actually, I’d say their demeanor was more regretful than anything else. However, despite their caution, I still lashed out.

I’m not a highly confrontational guy. People who casually know me often think I’m relaxed and low key. However, those who know me well are aware that underneath my serene facade, I’m usually frantically processing something or another. I internalize a lot of stress and a lot of pain. I’m sure that’s one of the reasons my Crohn’s Disease is always so active. Regardless, everyone has a breaking point.

In the 25 years I’d had this disease, I’d endured a lot. It had been 25 years of  needlesticks, pokes and prods, fatigue, diarrhea, vomit, arthritis, brittle bones, brittle teeth, stunted growth, sores, blood, pain, isolation, embarrassment, depression, and anxiety. I once had a doctor walk out of the exam room without closing the door, leaving me bare assed for the entire waiting room to see. Another doctor once ripped open two fissures during a test and left me in agony and bleeding all over the table because he didn’t bother to read my chart beforehand. Leading up to this surgery, I’d been sick for over a year. I’d had to take leave from a job I cared about. I’d been forced to rely on my fiancé to take care of me, leaving me scared that it could destroy our relationship. Add a bad recovery, a catheter, an ng tube, and an ostomy, and I finally couldn’t keep all of it in anymore.

Luckily, my team were professionals. They took what I said in stride, offered the services of a psychiatrist, then just let me be alone for a while. I don’t like it when my emotions get the better of me and I’m grateful to have been in a safe place for that. The silver lining is that I finally got to let some of that pent up pain and frustration out. Aside from feeling like a jerk, I felt better afterward. I felt relieved. I guess that’s why they call it venting.

Naps – Lessons from Hurley

My dog Hurley naps a lot. Like a lot a lot. She gets at least 4-5 good ones in every day. I’m not saying I nap that often or that you should nap that often, but I do think our culture seriously neglects the simple pleasure of a good nap.

One of my first memories occurred when I was around 3 or 4. I was at my grandparents’ house playing in the living room when my grandpa got up and announced that he was going upstairs to take a nap. I laughed at him and called him silly. I hated having to take naps and I couldn’t understand why an adult would ever do such a thing unforced. In hindsight, my grandpa was a genius.

Adulthood comes with a lot of responsibilities and a lot of commitments. Down time is rare and if you’re like me, you waste it up in your head thinking about what you need to do next. Hurley doesn’t do that. She knows when it’s time to calm down, stretch out, curl up, let out a heavy sigh, and snooze. So take the cue and treat yourself to a nice guilt-free nap every once in awhile. I bet you’ve earned it.