This ultrasound was actually a pretty big moment for me. If you’ve been reading along, you know that I’d been having a pretty tough run. People have been through worse, but that doesn’t change the fact that this was all still pretty terrible. At this point, I’d been sick for well over a year and I’d already crossed the dreaded ostomy threshold. I’d had to watch my health decline and my body start shutting down. It sucked.
So yeah, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I sometimes thought about throwing in the towel. I never seriously considered it, but I was stuck in a bad place and sometimes it comforted me to think of ways out. That was about the last bit of control that I had left. It was a dark time.
Happily, seeing the ultrasound of my jugular really shifted my perspective. Maybe it was the pain meds, but seeing my insides working made me happy. It’ll be tough to explain, but I’ll try. You see, having an autoimmune disease messes with your head since it forces you to live with the fact that a part of your body is trying to kill you. Everything about it is wrong, and it makes you feel incredibly helpless and betrayed. When I saw that ultrasound though, I was reminded that the bulk of my body was trying to keep me alive. There were good guys in there too and they were putting up a fight. That realization felt good. It reminded me that I was enduring all of this for a reason and that I should do what I could to help the good guys win.