Category: Relationships

When I first started dating my fiancé, she lived in a studio apartment with her dog Hurley. She’d bought Hurley for her ex for his birthday less than a year before, but when they split, he insisted she take her. Hurley is part pitbull, so finding a place to live in the city was difficult. The only place she could find was a small studio. So, in such a small space, the two of them bonded quickly and became best friends. There wasn’t space for a crate or a dog bed, so Hurley slept on the bed with her, usually at the foot.

Then I entered the picture and messed everything up.  Hurley liked me, but was confused by the new dynamic. She was a bit jealous of the attention I was getting, so she would sleep between us with her legs extended. I’d wake up at the end of the mattress, but I usually never did anything because who wants to shove a sleeping pitbull? The three of us eventually grew to love this configuration and so when we moved to a bigger space, it was almost impossible to keep Hurley off the bed. After a while she grew to appreciate having her own bed on the floor, but every once in a while, if there’s a storm or if she’s feeling lonely, she’ll still come up. I like to pretend that I’m annoyed, but just between us, I admit that I love it. They’re my family now and they mean everything to me.

Relationships can be great, but moving in together is always an adjustment. It’s the little things that catch you off guard. Case in point, my fiancé didn’t grow up in a household that had a dishwasher. She is used to stacking dishes in the sink, then washing them all at once. I was raised in a household with a dishwasher, so I am used to rinsing off dirty dishes and putting them in the dishwasher immediately after I eat. Our current apartment has a dishwasher and I’m in charge of doing the dishes. Imagine my frustration when I unload the dishwasher and put everything away, then turn around a see a dirty little jerk spoon lying there mocking me and my efforts to keep the kitchen clean.

I always try to warn couples moving in together that they will be caught off guard at how strongly they feel about little things they’ve never even thought about simply because they’ve never been around anyone who does the same thing differently. Do you floss before or after you brush? Do you blow your nose with kleenex or toilet paper? Do you put tin foil under cookies when you are baking or do you lie them directly on the pan? How many times do you hit the snooze button in the morning before you get out of bed? Do you have the t.v. or radio on in the morning, or do you like it quiet? What’s the right temperature to set on the thermostat? Do you clip your nails into a wastebasket or into the toilet? How do you fold your clothes?

In healthy relationships, you can talk about these things. You can laugh at them. You can try to convince the other that your way is the correct way, but if you can’t, you can chalk it up to a quirk that makes them them. In unhealthy relationships, these little things can be the spark that ignites the breakup. I love my relationship and I’ve learned to live with the occasional offensive spoon. I hope she’s learned to live with my liberal snooze bar usage.

A lot of people grow up with a view of relationships that’s been skewed by Hollywood and Disney. I call it happily ever after syndrome. Basically, life with a partner is always supposed to be sweet, romantic, and sexy. That’s always seemed like a load of crap to me and wouldn’t you know it – I was right.

Here’s why that’s actually a good thing though. I offer that even though you see a lot of romance in the movies, you rarely see a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship can only exist between two individuals who know each other well, respect each other, and are comfortable around each other. Basically, a good relationship means you can be yourself and not have to play a role. You can just be you and the other can just be the other, and that’s ok. You accept each other.

Don’t get me wrong, romance is important, but being yourself and living your life comfortably in front of another person is important too. People eat, sleep, snore, burp, fart, clip their nails, clean their ears, floss, blow their nose, and 1,000 other unromantic things. I’m not saying you need to share everything (especially as a Crohnie, bathroom time is my time), but you should be comfortable enough that you don’t need to pretend or hide these things. I guess what I’m saying is that a good domestic life isn’t always sexy, but it should always feel authentic and true. Hollywood doesn’t show you that because it isn’t very eventful. It’s just nice.

I think I’m one of the few people who actually enjoyed dating. Seriously, I always got a kick out of meeting new people and I was never interested in marriage, so I never put a lot of pressure on it. It’s fun to see what people are like and what they’re into. And, when you’re free from expectations, it’s pretty easy to walk away if you aren’t interested.

The takeaway from this comic is not that it’s ok to be judgemental. Rather, it’s that you should be yourself when you go out on a date. Don’t compromise who you are and don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t. Don’t be embarrassed about what you like. The flipside of that though is that you need to be ok with not everyone liking what you like.

Here’s what I really learned from dating. People are drawn to authenticity and passion. And no, I don’t mean sexual passion, though that rarely hurts. I mean people who are passionate about something. Anything. It really doesn’t matter. It adds another dimension to you that makes you interesting. So really, just be yourself and be engaged in your own life without needing to be in a relationship. That’s what’s attractive.

You know the relationship is secure when you gain acceptance from the pets. However, maybe it’s best that you don’t know exactly why they are accepting you.