Hoot Deconstructed

Distractions are an important part of surviving the hospital. If you remember, the packing list I wrote about in Let’s Go to the Hospital! includes several books, a phone charger, and a laptop or tablet. These items are critical because there’s a lot of downtime when you’re a patient. Doctors, nurses, and technicians come and go all day and night, but you’re still left with hours to yourself.

At this point, I was grateful to be rid of the catheter and ng tube, but I was still dazed from surgery and concerned that I wasn’t feeling better. When I had my first surgery at 18, I felt better immediately. Like immediately upon waking up. That wasn’t happening this time though and it was making me very nervous. If it weren’t for my distractions, I believe I would have driven myself crazy stressing about the future.

Luckily, my hospital room came with cable and a movie channel. I watched a ton of movies and a lot of tv. American Pickers was my favorite because it complemented my mental state and it was on 3-4 hours a day. If you’ve never seen it, I recommend it. It’s on the History channel and it’s about these two guys who drive all over the country going through people’s hoarded goodies. If they find stuff they like, such as old cars, toys, signs, etc., they try to haggle with the owner so that they can buy it and haul it back to their store. I say it complemented my mental state because it is simple, low-conflict, happy, engaging, and rife with historical anecdotes that are really interesting. It was the perfect distraction for me at the time.

No grand life lessons or takeaways today. Just remember that when you’re overwhelmed, it’s ok to give yourself a break.

This ultrasound was actually a pretty big moment for me. If you’ve been reading along, you know that I’d been having a pretty tough run. People have been through worse, but that doesn’t change the fact that this was all still pretty terrible. At this point, I’d been sick for well over a year and I’d already crossed the dreaded ostomy threshold. I’d had to watch my health decline and my body start shutting down. It sucked.

So yeah, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I sometimes thought about throwing in the towel. I never seriously considered it, but I was stuck in a bad place and sometimes it comforted me to think of ways out. That was about the last bit of control that I had left. It was a dark time.

Happily, seeing the ultrasound of my jugular really shifted my perspective. Maybe it was the pain meds, but seeing my insides working made me happy. It’ll be tough to explain, but I’ll try. You see, having an autoimmune disease messes with your head since it forces you to live with the fact that a part of your body is trying to kill you. Everything about it is wrong, and it makes you feel incredibly helpless and betrayed. When I saw that ultrasound though, I was reminded that the bulk of my body was trying to keep me alive. There were good guys in there too and they were putting up a fight. That realization felt good. It reminded me that I was enduring all of this for a reason and that I should do what I could to help the good guys win.