Category: The Worst Person Ever

Airplane etiquette is critical. Have you ever been about to fall asleep on a plane when someone does this? It’s obnoxious. Being jarred violently is bad enough, but sometimes they catch your hair too. It’s got to be due to a lack of awareness, but come on. On a plane, you’re locked in a cramped assigned seat in a giant metal tube in the air. There’s no reasonable way to vent your frustration other than to give a dirty look. Be a good guy and push yourself up off your armrests.

This one happens to me at least once a week. I like bikes. Seriously, I do. They’re a healthy, environmentally friendly alternative to cars. But technically they are vehicles. I just don’t get the mindset of this. It’s dangerous to blow a stop sign in a car, so how is it somehow ok to do as a cyclist? And where do you get the sand to give me the finger when you’re the one in the wrong? And when it was my attentiveness that saved you? Most vexing.

I encounter “Self Checkout” at least once a month. In my opinion, the self checkout lanes are designed to be an extension of the 15 items or less idea. They are for people who only have a few things and are looking to get in and out as fast as they can. It seems that most people agree with this. It’s become a social contract. However, every once in awhile, I encounter anarchists who don’t feel this way. They take a full cart with alcohol through the self checkout, then get annoyed when people are annoyed with them. These are also usually the people who don’t understand how the screens work and get confused that they need to show ID to purchase alcohol. They are the ones that Garfunkel and Oates had in mind when they observed that “if her IQ were 5 points higher, she’d have low self-esteem.” I just wanted to buy bread and go home, but now I have to stand here and watch your life collapse into public disaster.

I live and work in Chicago, so I encounter sidewalk hogs all the time. Usually, these are oblivious tourists or suburbanites. I know that there is a stigma that city people are rude and rushed, but be fair and try to understand. What’s a trip for you is part of my daily life. I’m glad you’re having a good time and that you appreciate my city, but I have places to go and things to do. I know you want to talk and share everything, but please respect the people who live and work here. Don’t congest my sidewalks. Remember that there is an active world around you. Don’t get pissy when people try to get past you. Try the “V” configuration, it works well.

There is a variant here – teenagers. Whereas tourists tend to be innocent and oblivious, teenagers are often aware but indifferent. They sometimes even actively try to be sidewalk hogs. They are a special breed of the worst person ever. I get that you feel powerful and excited being out in the world by yourselves, but get over it and grow up. As with most of the people in this series, all I ask for is the minimum level of decency and respect. It doesn’t take a lot to be a good guy.

Maybe this one is just a Midwestern occurrence, but this violation of handshake etiquette kills me. I’m not a big physical contact guy. Like my trust, physical contact has to be earned. But there are people out there who do this. It feels so creepy and violating.

My fiancé once told me that one of her least favorite songs is Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. She is particularly creeped out by the line “hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you”. She cringes at that the way others cringe at the word “moist”. And now every time this happens to me, it’s all I think about. Ick.